I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
