When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
