Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
