She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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