Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
