You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
