I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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