Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
