I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
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