I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
