just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
