Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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