Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
