how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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