weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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