Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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