is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
