My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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