She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
