Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
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