Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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