i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Randomize
