I am puke
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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