If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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