please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
