Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
