her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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