my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
