Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
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