I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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