You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
