how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
