Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
