when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
