they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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