found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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