All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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