he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
