Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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