totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
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Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
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I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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