please come you make the beer taste better
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
