I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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