seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
