I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
