I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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