i need an iv and a liver transplant
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
