just come out here and I will go home with you...
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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