What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
