The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
