I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
