In the future we'll all be gay
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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