What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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