Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
you had me at cake vodka
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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