oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
