Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
