Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
