My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
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You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
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I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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