He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
