I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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