Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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