I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Pants are for mortals
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
