You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
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its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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